Day ThirtySix

Jay's Day.

It's Jay's departure day and even though we spent the night with him at the pub quiz we're all ready to get up in the morning and say goodbye.

I hear his voice outside my door while he calls Ed out of the toilet.

I get up, open my dorm door and sneak out smiling at him. He gives me a hug and I say 

'I'll go back to bed until you have a shower.'

Instead I go upstairs and pick up my clothes from the laundry line on the top terrace.

His bag is packed and he's all ready to go.

I smile at him as I walk down with my dried clothes and stand in front of him to give him the goodbye hug.

I say he will be missed and that today won't be the same.

He already knows that.

He says bye to Luce and farewell to Sawsan on the stairs as he heads down.

I go to the kitchen pretending that my morning routine is going to go as planned. I look for cereal but someone's eaten the rest of it. I see Jay's bottle on the kitchen bar and I grab it running downstairs to catch him before he leaves.

It's one of those things you don't want people to leave without; 

not because it will remind you of him,

but because it's part of who he is when he travels.

He says 'Im here!'

while we meet on the first floor.

I hand him his water bottle and wait on the stairs while he's saying goodbye to Michael.

He walks out the door in a fast pace

we instantly hug again

and he says

'you changed my life'.

I blink and say,

'oh my god you did too'

as we part.

He heads downstairs..

I head upstairs..

with a slow, digestive pace.

I pause on the tenth step and look at the hostel entrance; not ready to reach it.

I take my time to realise what he just said

and the impact we've had on each other.

I pause a bit more

not being able to exit the zone of this lovely goodbye.

I walk upstairs,

and upstairs a bit more

to the top terrace

where I know I will be alone.

I have a look to the bottom terrace to see Sarah listening to some music on her headphones and Kate lying in the sun.

I start walking around in circles

to find my pace again;

knowing that it's up to me to keep it the way Jay set it for everyone.

And it's the first time I'm crying intensely knowing that this isn't separation

because even though he's departing

I keep a part

of him

in me.