Day SeventyThree

Shift Switch

and I'm working on this cosy rainy Saturday.

The girls have moved out 

and it's the first weekend they're not around.

The house is still full 

and there's peculiar movement;

sometimes extremely quiet

other times fully busy.

The group from Denmark

are here this afternoon and I spend time with them around the sofas.

Puppy is happily jumping from one extended arm to the other

and I watch it, 

in case it gets close to any walking feet

or close to Tereza,

ready to whistle at it.

Sizle

is super open and friendly.

she asks me what brought me here and she tells me a bit about her too.

I tell her I want to keep Puppy

but I haven't got a stable home right now.

Erkan 

passes around some Danish candy

and they insist that I try the 'wine one'.

I avoid the liquorice

but end up holding one that is liquorice inside the orange sugar coat.

We laugh at it.

I ask if anyone is having dinner and they very encouragingly say they will try what I make!

I decide to make a new recipe;

one my sister taught me when she was studying in Greece.

Her housemate had come up with it.

It's pasta with tuna & haloumi

cooked in tomato sauce

& spices.

It's delicious.

I can't believe I hadn't cooked it all this time here.

I make the dish

and some parsley salad with feta on the side.

We dine and discuss over the table

and it's a short personal meeting with 

the way Patrik thinks and speaks.

Something I haven't had the chance

to explore over the past days.

It's their last night 

and they will be checking out before

the morning shift.

So I enjoy our cosy dinner,

loving that they have tried the special pasta recipe

and bid them farewell 

in the way you bid farewell to people at a hostel;

i.e. in uncertainty 

and hopeful intentions

for this farewell to stand

in future paths.

Day FiftySeven

Thursday

the alarm goes off

after a four hour sleep
preceded by a pub quiz we didn't win,
a newly discovered RnB venue,
and shots at a local bar.

I expect a hangover 
but it never hits me.

More so 
it is a quiet and easy day where
literally everyone at the hostel
has set off for camping.

Alex is going South
while the team of girls with Basem are going North.

I see them getting ready and it's really like sending the kids to school.
They prepare the bags while I check if they got their toothbrushes,
they get things from the kitchen while I say plastic cups is a good idea,
and they head off as I do the count of who's going.

I pray they have a good time
and that all the ducks come back
as I return to the desk.

Duce and Hanna 
are the only ones left,
including Arturo
who's new to the house.

The night comes and we set out our own little camp fire
i.e. sit around the low living room table
and decorate it with snacks
while we talk about stories and gossip.

Zeed joins and though he's the one drinking wine
it looks like it's hit me and Han.

We go on and on
on the wagon of 'seen better'
and we're between
boredom has hit and cards of humanity.

'Seen better' is a way to comment on a situation that isn't the best.

'Seen better nights'

'Seen better girlfriends'

'Seen better religions'

'Seen better eyesites'

'Seen better discussion topics'

'Seen better Australians'

and the night continued with hummus, Doritos

and the nonsense

that made perfect sense.

Seen better blog posts.

Day FiftyTwo

Hangover Day.

Though I didn't go out last night, I'm being a compassionate dorm-mate

and hanging around and hanging over with the rest of the 

sleepless

intoxicated

tired 

mates of the hostel.

One (vibe) for all

and

All (vibes) for one.

Midday discussions over beer

 include peanut butter (Mallory's favourite)

and vegemite

(Joel's favourite- yup we got an Australian in the house),

and both seem to be desired heavily

on the sunny terrace.

We decide to go out for lunch and we set a time.

The time comes

and goes over

and over a bit more

as we are gathered in what has become the 'gossip/girlie dorm'

to prepare hair, styles, ethos'

and an appetite.

We're all ready and the girl gang meets Australian guy for the long desired lunch.

We reach an Armenian restaurant in Burj-Hamoud 

and order things we don't know the look or taste of.

They arrive.

We dive in.

And the sensation of having a meal hasn't felt that good before.

#exaggeration

The guys keep having beers and I just grab a 7up.

I'm hanging big time;

til I remember I didn't go out last night.

Day FourtyEight

Crazy when you find people you click so well with

from the start

and in a very honest way. 

The last time this happened was with Jay

and now I'm feeling it again with Chadya.

She's lovely,

to everyone,

so was Jay,

but they have this amazing way of connecting with me specifically even when I haven't actually

given them the chance 

yet.

I wonder how they do it;

being effortlessly amazing.

Chadya for instance walks in and out speaking French

sometimes English

and most times Spanish.*

She addresses me as 'Hola Chica'

and I'm starting to think someone told her I'm Spanish.

'Do you think I'm Spanish?'

I ask her.

'No habibi!'

*(and sometimes Arabic)

She smiles and continues in Spanish.

She's the light of my day cz she sees through me 

and wants the best for me.

She's not afraid to say it clearly

and to push me for the better.

She's a powerful woman

and she inspires me.

And even though this sounds like it's all about me;

it's really, all about her,

and Alex,

and Duce,

and Hanna

who have been 

motivating

the shit out of me this week.

#girlgang

#respect 

Day FourtySix

Sunday funday

and I didn't know I was getting a group haircut today.

We make plans for getting Sawsan a birthday cake and wait for her to exit the premises after singing her the classic #HappyBirthdaySong

on the sunny terrace.

Sawsan leaves and says she'll be back for dinner.

Alex and I set off for the birthday mission as we come up with cake decoration ideas

like marshmallows,

and smarties.

We find what we want and return to the hostel.

Chadya is on a different mission;

to cut and dye my hair.

I usually do it myself so I have start considering myself my own professional

but she has done it before so I take my chances.

Bastien, who is leaving tonight 

is also on our dorm balcony and I'm confused as to how this event has taken male extension.

'Can I cut your hair?'

He says.

'Erm... Yeah!

Have you cut hair before?'

'Ah yeh! (He's French)

One time

When I was drunk'

'Ok, sure!'

I say jokingly.

He grabs the scissors 

and Alex is looking at my reaction.

I start thinking they're in the joke together

and that in fact Bastien

is good

at cutting hair

and this is a bluff..

I sit on the balcony wall,

he grabs some hair

and chops it off.

He extends his hand

and shows me

my chopped 

hair

in

his

palm.

I have a mini stroke 

and burst out laughing histerically

'What is thisssss

Bastiennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!'

'Ah it's your hair!

I cut it!'

With so much confidence,

so much aura,

so much sarcasm

one would think it's a dream

or rather a nightmare.

I really didn't know how to react apart from continuing to

laugh

hysterically. 

Chadya comes and I beg her to fix this!

She starts speaking to Bastien in French and between French lines I hear

'Catastrophe!'

And I agree!

'Quelle catastrophe!'

She chops a few more ends off

and tidies it up

while my adrenaline returns to normal levels.

I touch my head and find that I still have enough hair.

The jokes continue 

with my exaggeration,

Bastien's humour

and Chadya's comfort.

We proceed to dye my hair on the terrace 

as we meet new people who have just arrived.

I walk around with the dye on my head while Alex calls for cake decorations.

Sawsan is back and wondering around the common area.

We take the cake downstairs and start decorating

what turns out to be one of the fanciest cakes I've ever seen.

We make an smooth entrance 

gathering around the table for dinner

as the rest of the group walk in

with the panoramic cake.

I watch Sawsan being the sweetness that she is

and how delighted she is to have 

such a cozy

warm 

birthday day.

She blows out the candles.

We hug her 

as she reads the post-it notes

with birthday wishes in various languages.

Dinner is ready

and I'm off to wash my hair.

Day FourtyThree

Strange how a place that feels like home can be an empty home at times.

We go to the coast area and find a calm spot on the rocks to sit, and write, 

and reload, and refresh.

Sarah brought her note book and I brought mine.

I have no intention of writing but carry it with me just in case the inspiration comes.

I lie down on the rocks

at a spot that seems carved like a sofa

and I let the sun rays

and salty particles in the air

sit on me.

I close my eyes and feel whole.

In my body, in my mind 

and in connection 

to others.

It was nice to feel comfortable in just being around someone again.

There is so much expectation and movement at the hostel some times that you forget the kind of form you take around few.

I think of going,

I think of staying

I think of options 

then I think of the only one choice

.to live.

I open my eyes just in time.

Sarah has completed her passage and I sit up,

take my nuts from my bag and listen to her story.

I come across a very green pistachio and I take a picture while she's still reading

while I'm still listening

while I'm still living.

Day FourtyTwo

Ama walks in at breakfast o'clock and with a bright energy asks where the toilet is.

She looks older than Duce and I start asking myself what it is about the place that attracts so much mature female energy and feminine wisdom.

The hostel is anyway based on female energy with Sarah, Maryam and myself around most of the time so the female energy becomes a lot more intensely present with women who are simultaneously,

travelling

    teaching 

        learning.

We sit on the terrace at sunset o'clock and share our stories and paths as it gets darker.

Our shares become deeper

and it appears that we have experienced very similar recent pasts. Her as a mother; and me as a daughter. We share our perspectives from our viewpoint at the time

and our more retrospective viewpoints from now.

I see a 53 year old woman I just met cry on the terrace;

About the hardship of having being a divorced, depressed mother.

A situation I so easily judged and was frustrated at in my own.

And I explained the viewpoint of the hurt and disappointed

daughter and child.

And we come to terms with that under the moonlight.

On a terrace.

At a hostel.

In Beirut.

Day ThirtyNine

Volunteer meeting day.

We wake up, all around 11am knowing that we have a meeting upstairs at 12.

We are in the same dorm, Alexandra, Hanna and I and they are also long-term guests here, and here for volunteering.

We make coffee and gather around the common area. Mallory arrives and so does Caroline. Zeed is out for the day but our group looks ready to go! We start discussing ideas it's the first time we are planning multiple classes on multiple days with multiple people and it makes me very proud to be part of this. And to see how this developed from two girls visiting Shatila a couple of times a week in early September.

We arrange English, dance and activities classes while considering what we might need to buy before starting. The vibe is very supportive and the girls are super excited. I'm glad. For everything.

The meeting ends and the four of us decide to head off to Cuentista; a social space with good wifi. This sounds extreme but the wifi in Lebanon is quite slow, and we all have work to do.

I get to know more about the girls and we exchange blog links. Mallory's impresses me. She has a direct and raw way of speaking it out; everything about the perception of refugees from Westerners and so we link and bond even more.

It's nice to spend some girl time with girls who are as boy as I am. And our hours pass lightly and productively, with the owner of Cuentista asking if we need anything more.

Day ThirtySeven

Michael is an young Egyptian designer who works in Dubai.

He is here while waiting for his work visa to be renewed. I hadn't realised that so when he came up to me this morning to announce 
'I got my visa!' 

I was rather confused than happy for him.

I congratulated him anyway.

When I realised what had happened, I also realised that he sees me as his Five-Day-Family (described on Day ThirtyThree) and so I was able to respond more honestly saying 'I didn't realise what you told me but now I get it! I really wish you all the best!'

He said it was ok and smiled.

He has a very open and knowing aura.

I tell him that and he starts telling me things he 'hasn't told anyone else here'. That, there are good souls and bad souls. That the good souls are full of light and love and that bed souls have 'no love'.

I find this intriguing as I usually forget to give these things a name; 

apart from blue and red people.

He says,

'I'm leaving tonight. You should come to Dubai.'

I say,

'Oh really! You booked already! I will come to Dubai, I told you, I'm gonna visit this guy..'

'Yes :)'

He packs his stuff and hugs me goodbye.

I chill on my bed thinking how good this world is with people who are actually willing to have you in their space even though you haven't established the long-term bond that usually comes with it.

Mike is a very humbled soul. He would show us pictures of Egypt, of his clothe designs and of his girlfriend. Which I found especially insightful; and it was his way of letting us in on all aspects of his life- not just his country's beauty.

An hour later.

The dorm doors open and it's Mike.

He walks in.

'My flight was cancelled'.

Day ThirtySix

Jay's Day.

It's Jay's departure day and even though we spent the night with him at the pub quiz we're all ready to get up in the morning and say goodbye.

I hear his voice outside my door while he calls Ed out of the toilet.

I get up, open my dorm door and sneak out smiling at him. He gives me a hug and I say 

'I'll go back to bed until you have a shower.'

Instead I go upstairs and pick up my clothes from the laundry line on the top terrace.

His bag is packed and he's all ready to go.

I smile at him as I walk down with my dried clothes and stand in front of him to give him the goodbye hug.

I say he will be missed and that today won't be the same.

He already knows that.

He says bye to Luce and farewell to Sawsan on the stairs as he heads down.

I go to the kitchen pretending that my morning routine is going to go as planned. I look for cereal but someone's eaten the rest of it. I see Jay's bottle on the kitchen bar and I grab it running downstairs to catch him before he leaves.

It's one of those things you don't want people to leave without; 

not because it will remind you of him,

but because it's part of who he is when he travels.

He says 'Im here!'

while we meet on the first floor.

I hand him his water bottle and wait on the stairs while he's saying goodbye to Michael.

He walks out the door in a fast pace

we instantly hug again

and he says

'you changed my life'.

I blink and say,

'oh my god you did too'

as we part.

He heads downstairs..

I head upstairs..

with a slow, digestive pace.

I pause on the tenth step and look at the hostel entrance; not ready to reach it.

I take my time to realise what he just said

and the impact we've had on each other.

I pause a bit more

not being able to exit the zone of this lovely goodbye.

I walk upstairs,

and upstairs a bit more

to the top terrace

where I know I will be alone.

I have a look to the bottom terrace to see Sarah listening to some music on her headphones and Kate lying in the sun.

I start walking around in circles

to find my pace again;

knowing that it's up to me to keep it the way Jay set it for everyone.

And it's the first time I'm crying intensely knowing that this isn't separation

because even though he's departing

I keep a part

of him

in me.

Day ThirtyThree

Five-Day-Family

Jay was right. The hostel/traveler lifestyle is formed of five-day-families.

People you share showers, rooms, breakfasts and shots with.

People you take advice from without defenses;

and people who 

are able to become more of a family to you than your family ever was.

They see the current version of you and the way you have developed.

They don't see; or are not concerned with 

the spots you had on your face when you were growing from the black sheep to the princess feminist you are today.

They don't see; or are not concerned with

the double chin you think you always have when lying awkwardly on the couches.

They don't see; or are not concerned with

the unloving and unloved aggressive teenager.

Because they see

the single chin loving princess

you are today.

Jay stayed ten days.

Five-Day-Family x 2