Day NinetyOne

Going through the day

as if I'm not leaving.

My roots have grown so deep

that I feel unmoved

and well grounded.

The day is a pleasant rush

as we go to Shatila for our last 

English class 

and fitness class.

It's the last time for all of us

and it's quite emotional.

Victor has come along with his camera,

Heyly's here and Basem has come along too.

We share a class with Jenny

as Hanna and Alex 

take up the other two classes.

The class runs smoothly.

And I admire Jenny's kindness with kids.

Amazing communication ways.

So innocent and bright.

The kids respond

and I catch myself watching.

The next class is my favourite.

The time comes and we enter.

We draw and write in textbooks

and half way through

as is common,

the kids get impatient and want something more entertaining.

We sind if you're happy and you know it.

I'm a lot more physical today

with hugs and kisses

I drown them.

Their Arabic speaking teacher Rawan walks in

and I ask her to translate to them

that I'm leaving today.

Going [so called] home.

She translates it..

'Mis Alina rooha al beit'.

I wait for a response.

A meh one.

The kids go loud

'£&#+£('

What are they saying!

I ask.

They're asking for me to stay.

I have no response.

Rawan signals for them to sing a song for us.

They sing it.

It sounds sad and my eyes water.

I look at Jenny and we're both holding it in.

I ask what it means.

She says it's a goodbye song.

It sounded so

so

sincere.

My god.

-

Fitness class and the girls walk in.

An hour of handstands doesn't seem long enough

and the time comes when we say

'one more and then halas ok?'

ten times.

We don't want to stop

as much as they want to continue.

We are all aware 

that it's Hanna, Alex and my last time here.

We say our goodbyes 

in a more positive than anything tone.

Thankful for the days we shared,

grateful,

and most of all hopeful

that this class continues to evolve

with Mallory

and whoever

comes along

or comes back.

Girl power goodbyes.

--

And finally,

rushing back to the hostel

to pack

and leave.

Who wants to do that?

I do that old task

of packing

and rush down

for more personable goodbye rituals.

Ed, Jen, Julia and Mals

have come along.

Greg, Han, Alex

and Kaloua

gather around.

I wonder if they're all here for me.

I feel special

and warmed in the lovely circle we have created.

Puns intended as we 

henna my hand with Arabic letters of silence 

and seen.

All is complete;

the circle takes it's last curve

and our goodbye 

seems like a welcome.

We meet where we begun;

where there wasn't a beginning

or an end.

Day Ninety

General Security

The day I thought I was gonna be denied exit from Lebanon

and wished it happened.

I waited three months for the day my visa expires

and a day before it did

I was wishing it just did.

That way

I wouldn't have to exit the country.

Yet I booked a flight and now 

had to

go to General Security 

for that exit stamp.

Crazy thing to do on a rainy day like this one.

Not even God wanted me to go.

[Cypriot translated & paraphrased way to say

God is crying with me/for this]

I sit in the corridor,

waiting,

for my faith to be decided by the all-male staff 

in army uniforms.

I'm very smily today

and happy.

I look around and it hits me;

how much I'm gonna miss this

disorganised

layed-back

unpredictable

setting.

'Elin

fadale'.

He gives me my stamped passport.

Now I have to go.

They're closing anyway.

--

Last night 

and the grand Hummozapiens

are out.

I'm on my way there

but Mals and I take a detour.

We go to another bar

where I tell the barman guy that I'm leaving tomorrow.

Next to that bar,

another barman friend tells me his mind trips

as I say I'm leaving.

God is still crying about this

and the old bar owner agrees with me.

Jimmy,

an awesome man.

It feels weird to go to

what has become 

your neighbourhood

and say you're leaving.

To where yeane?

Day EightyFive

Last Thursday in Berut.

And I know that cz my visa expires

on the Wednesday.

Haven't booked a ticket

feeling moody

not caring

not giving a single fuck.

Wanna stay

then I wanna go

then I don't wanna go to Cyprus

then I wanna go Dubai

then I'm rushing it

then I know I have to go anyway

then I'm not ready.

And so

I don't fuvking book my flight.

Halas.

Ain't nobody got time for this stress.

We're out at a bar

with the Hummozapiens

and they're asking me when I'm leaving

so we can arrange a goodbye barty. 

I say arrange the barty

and I'll leave after that.

They love me

they're so caring.

They wanna see me good

weather I stay

whether I go.

So I book the flight later.

    

Day EightyFour

Shatila Day

and after meeting with Sara

for a dear chat

I run 

to catch a bus

to meet

the girls teaching

and the girls receiving

the fitness class.

At Shatila.

I walk in the building

with the most non-reserved feeling;

the feeling I always get when arriving

at Bukra Ilna.

That feeling that 

is bigger than me

and makes me feel bigger than any fear.

It's the feeling of love.

Time after time

I've mentioned this

and time after time

it overcomes my

whole being.

To communicate without words

and to purely see what is

and not what is created.

I walk in and Kinana

with the other teachers, are preparing Easter muppets

and they pause to show me.

Kaloua is there too;

she looks at me with the proud, admiring love look

she's been looking at me recently.

I'm happy to see her 

and it's a very cosy scene to have walked into.

I proceed to the fitness room.

I walk in the middle of Alex and Hanna's warm up

'Look who's here!'

Alex exclaims with a shining bright smile.

My heart is full of it,

and it's all expanded to all directions.

Ilaf approaches me and we hug.

I look at Mallory from a distance and we laugh out love

consciously sharing this moment

as the only thing that ever mattered.

I jog to the back of the class

and join the class.

The energy is high

and all appreciation is with it

for the special moments we share amongst us;

the so called privileged white girls from the West

joining their eagerness and enthusiasm

to share fitness guidance and moral support 

to underprivileged girls from the East

in a setting which is not ideal for either

but one where magic happens.

We exercise,

do the handstands

on the walls

and sweat it out.

The amazing class finishes.

And then.

We announce to them that we're leaving soon.

As soon as next week.

And their dreams are crashed once more

just a little bit

less than last time.

Mallory will be around,

and though the weight is heavy to carry

the girls' passion to continue the classes

seem to lighten the tone.

Day SeventyFive

Day SeventyFive;

ages ago from day

FiftySeven

when I last posted.

So many days,

so many moments

so many thoughts.

Where to start other than from where we left;

From where we left 

the circumstances become bigger than the people

and the problems become bigger than the house.

Home to many

weighs too many

emotions

to host so many

entries.

Long-term short-term

guests and friends

who have become family 

on five-day stays 

and others

that stay with you for a lifetime.

The house couldn't handle so much trouble

and so much interaction at the same time.

Sometimes you have to choose;

do you want to live-

and live happily-

or do you want to keep trying

to make

things

happen

the way

you

want them too.

I chose to live.

So I take my spirit; 

a home to many,

to a different place.

To wherever. 

Day SeventyThree

Shift Switch

and I'm working on this cosy rainy Saturday.

The girls have moved out 

and it's the first weekend they're not around.

The house is still full 

and there's peculiar movement;

sometimes extremely quiet

other times fully busy.

The group from Denmark

are here this afternoon and I spend time with them around the sofas.

Puppy is happily jumping from one extended arm to the other

and I watch it, 

in case it gets close to any walking feet

or close to Tereza,

ready to whistle at it.

Sizle

is super open and friendly.

she asks me what brought me here and she tells me a bit about her too.

I tell her I want to keep Puppy

but I haven't got a stable home right now.

Erkan 

passes around some Danish candy

and they insist that I try the 'wine one'.

I avoid the liquorice

but end up holding one that is liquorice inside the orange sugar coat.

We laugh at it.

I ask if anyone is having dinner and they very encouragingly say they will try what I make!

I decide to make a new recipe;

one my sister taught me when she was studying in Greece.

Her housemate had come up with it.

It's pasta with tuna & haloumi

cooked in tomato sauce

& spices.

It's delicious.

I can't believe I hadn't cooked it all this time here.

I make the dish

and some parsley salad with feta on the side.

We dine and discuss over the table

and it's a short personal meeting with 

the way Patrik thinks and speaks.

Something I haven't had the chance

to explore over the past days.

It's their last night 

and they will be checking out before

the morning shift.

So I enjoy our cosy dinner,

loving that they have tried the special pasta recipe

and bid them farewell 

in the way you bid farewell to people at a hostel;

i.e. in uncertainty 

and hopeful intentions

for this farewell to stand

in future paths.

Day SixtySix

Long day

oh yay

Touring with Mohammed 

Sean and I woke up early,

half asleep and started a long-shot adventure.

We underestimated time

and wished to see Tripoli and Baalbek 

in a day.

It never happened.

But what happened was 

sweet road trips

and jokes

and naps in the car

at the back

as the guys chatted in the front.

Good music

and rhythms 

without

any

thing

to make this experience 

fake.

Sunsets and tiredness

as we return to our base.

The girls tell me that Mallory is 

leaving tonight.

We head off to meet her at the stairs

of her home.

I take a red beanie with me,

it will suit her

so I give it to her

to wear

and to hold near her.

Our goodbye is short

and sweet

as we head back to 

our hostel

for cuddles and naps.

Day ThirtySeven

Michael is an young Egyptian designer who works in Dubai.

He is here while waiting for his work visa to be renewed. I hadn't realised that so when he came up to me this morning to announce 
'I got my visa!' 

I was rather confused than happy for him.

I congratulated him anyway.

When I realised what had happened, I also realised that he sees me as his Five-Day-Family (described on Day ThirtyThree) and so I was able to respond more honestly saying 'I didn't realise what you told me but now I get it! I really wish you all the best!'

He said it was ok and smiled.

He has a very open and knowing aura.

I tell him that and he starts telling me things he 'hasn't told anyone else here'. That, there are good souls and bad souls. That the good souls are full of light and love and that bed souls have 'no love'.

I find this intriguing as I usually forget to give these things a name; 

apart from blue and red people.

He says,

'I'm leaving tonight. You should come to Dubai.'

I say,

'Oh really! You booked already! I will come to Dubai, I told you, I'm gonna visit this guy..'

'Yes :)'

He packs his stuff and hugs me goodbye.

I chill on my bed thinking how good this world is with people who are actually willing to have you in their space even though you haven't established the long-term bond that usually comes with it.

Mike is a very humbled soul. He would show us pictures of Egypt, of his clothe designs and of his girlfriend. Which I found especially insightful; and it was his way of letting us in on all aspects of his life- not just his country's beauty.

An hour later.

The dorm doors open and it's Mike.

He walks in.

'My flight was cancelled'.

Day ThirtySix

Jay's Day.

It's Jay's departure day and even though we spent the night with him at the pub quiz we're all ready to get up in the morning and say goodbye.

I hear his voice outside my door while he calls Ed out of the toilet.

I get up, open my dorm door and sneak out smiling at him. He gives me a hug and I say 

'I'll go back to bed until you have a shower.'

Instead I go upstairs and pick up my clothes from the laundry line on the top terrace.

His bag is packed and he's all ready to go.

I smile at him as I walk down with my dried clothes and stand in front of him to give him the goodbye hug.

I say he will be missed and that today won't be the same.

He already knows that.

He says bye to Luce and farewell to Sawsan on the stairs as he heads down.

I go to the kitchen pretending that my morning routine is going to go as planned. I look for cereal but someone's eaten the rest of it. I see Jay's bottle on the kitchen bar and I grab it running downstairs to catch him before he leaves.

It's one of those things you don't want people to leave without; 

not because it will remind you of him,

but because it's part of who he is when he travels.

He says 'Im here!'

while we meet on the first floor.

I hand him his water bottle and wait on the stairs while he's saying goodbye to Michael.

He walks out the door in a fast pace

we instantly hug again

and he says

'you changed my life'.

I blink and say,

'oh my god you did too'

as we part.

He heads downstairs..

I head upstairs..

with a slow, digestive pace.

I pause on the tenth step and look at the hostel entrance; not ready to reach it.

I take my time to realise what he just said

and the impact we've had on each other.

I pause a bit more

not being able to exit the zone of this lovely goodbye.

I walk upstairs,

and upstairs a bit more

to the top terrace

where I know I will be alone.

I have a look to the bottom terrace to see Sarah listening to some music on her headphones and Kate lying in the sun.

I start walking around in circles

to find my pace again;

knowing that it's up to me to keep it the way Jay set it for everyone.

And it's the first time I'm crying intensely knowing that this isn't separation

because even though he's departing

I keep a part

of him

in me.