Day FourtyFour

Losing faith in reason today

as one person is complaining and the other is moody to you.

Just to you specifically.

So you're moody back to see if it works for them.

And then a Latino looking tall hot person walks in.

Sex male

and you can sense that sensuality is what he goes by

through his loose top and latino hat that he doesn't take off until after 

the induction finishes.

Meanwhile our pregnant guest who was out for a couple of days returns 

and catches up with the girls on the terrace while I show Latino male his private room.

I sigh at the sight of it 

cz I wanted to be using this room

on a longed meeting with guy Y.

I don't know why guy Y 

isn't in my personal space yet 

but it gets a bit frustrating.

I have some left over tacos 

and continue to search for reasons I'm here.

Then I think of all the surreal things I hear

and see

like how Ama leaves without electricity when she's home

and how Hanna has a twin sister

or how Jay said

he would emulate me for the way I view people, the way I deeply understand my surroundings

or how Cyprus was one of the questions on the pub quiz the other night.

But still,

Y

Day FourtyThree

Strange how a place that feels like home can be an empty home at times.

We go to the coast area and find a calm spot on the rocks to sit, and write, 

and reload, and refresh.

Sarah brought her note book and I brought mine.

I have no intention of writing but carry it with me just in case the inspiration comes.

I lie down on the rocks

at a spot that seems carved like a sofa

and I let the sun rays

and salty particles in the air

sit on me.

I close my eyes and feel whole.

In my body, in my mind 

and in connection 

to others.

It was nice to feel comfortable in just being around someone again.

There is so much expectation and movement at the hostel some times that you forget the kind of form you take around few.

I think of going,

I think of staying

I think of options 

then I think of the only one choice

.to live.

I open my eyes just in time.

Sarah has completed her passage and I sit up,

take my nuts from my bag and listen to her story.

I come across a very green pistachio and I take a picture while she's still reading

while I'm still listening

while I'm still living.

Day FourtyTwo

Ama walks in at breakfast o'clock and with a bright energy asks where the toilet is.

She looks older than Duce and I start asking myself what it is about the place that attracts so much mature female energy and feminine wisdom.

The hostel is anyway based on female energy with Sarah, Maryam and myself around most of the time so the female energy becomes a lot more intensely present with women who are simultaneously,

travelling

    teaching 

        learning.

We sit on the terrace at sunset o'clock and share our stories and paths as it gets darker.

Our shares become deeper

and it appears that we have experienced very similar recent pasts. Her as a mother; and me as a daughter. We share our perspectives from our viewpoint at the time

and our more retrospective viewpoints from now.

I see a 53 year old woman I just met cry on the terrace;

About the hardship of having being a divorced, depressed mother.

A situation I so easily judged and was frustrated at in my own.

And I explained the viewpoint of the hurt and disappointed

daughter and child.

And we come to terms with that under the moonlight.

On a terrace.

At a hostel.

In Beirut.

Day FourtyOne

Go by feeling.

It will always take you somewhere nice.

It's past lay-in time and I decide to get up and go to the supermarket.

I'm on a mission to get those Crispy Nut cereal 

that I haven't had in months.

I pick the wrong pack cz there's many versions of them but

only realise when I'm back at the hostel.

I have some anyway.

I go by feeling, go by feeling

and we end up at Sifi

for lunch 

with Sarah.

I go by feeling, go by feeling

and we make it to our first

contemporary 

dance class

with Nina.

I go by feeling, I go by feeling

and I explore a side of myself

which is more

etheric

and 

free

than

I 

ever knew.

We dance in circles,

walk in lines

and roll in 

stars.

I'm grounded,

I think of now.

I'm elevated 

I think of where I want to be.

I go by feeling, I go by feeling

and I'll be gone

with Feeling.

Day Fourty

Sara from England

works with youth and adults with anti-social behaviour 

and she's here to do good.

Today,

she went to Bekka Valley to collect a fifteen year old boy 

and take him to an other village where he will be 

staying with extended family and where he will start school,

tomorrow.

She's on a fundraising mission where funds go to support refugees directly

-somewhat boycotting the idea of NGO support due to their

in-transparent fund distribution.

Nonetheless,

I'm in the kitchen cooking

and Duce comes up to me and starts describing her experience with Sara

and the mission.

She has a very,

very

grateful and humbled 

tone in her voice.

She starts by saying 'I am lucky'

'I am lucky, because even if I do not have parents

or a family

or mother

I did not have to carry my sister

who has no legs

and to see my own parents die in front of my eyes.

So I am lucky'...

I'm putting everything together in my mind as well as in the pan 

as I make the link of a very,

very

bitter upbringing 

becoming moulded into appreciation

in the sight of devastating 

and traumatic 

scenes

Syrian children are experiencing.

I turn the fire up

and look at Duce between

glancing at the clock on the wall

and thinking I don't have enough time

to add more red sauce in the pan.

Day ThirtyNine

Volunteer meeting day.

We wake up, all around 11am knowing that we have a meeting upstairs at 12.

We are in the same dorm, Alexandra, Hanna and I and they are also long-term guests here, and here for volunteering.

We make coffee and gather around the common area. Mallory arrives and so does Caroline. Zeed is out for the day but our group looks ready to go! We start discussing ideas it's the first time we are planning multiple classes on multiple days with multiple people and it makes me very proud to be part of this. And to see how this developed from two girls visiting Shatila a couple of times a week in early September.

We arrange English, dance and activities classes while considering what we might need to buy before starting. The vibe is very supportive and the girls are super excited. I'm glad. For everything.

The meeting ends and the four of us decide to head off to Cuentista; a social space with good wifi. This sounds extreme but the wifi in Lebanon is quite slow, and we all have work to do.

I get to know more about the girls and we exchange blog links. Mallory's impresses me. She has a direct and raw way of speaking it out; everything about the perception of refugees from Westerners and so we link and bond even more.

It's nice to spend some girl time with girls who are as boy as I am. And our hours pass lightly and productively, with the owner of Cuentista asking if we need anything more.

Day ThirtyEight

A lone day.

I wake up in a light, good mood, walk upstairs, have some breakfast and head off to nowhere in particular.

I realise I haven't been out alone like a tourist or even like a local during my time here. I'm always with people I know or with people I meet. 
I get to the main street and walk around.

I wonder, noticing new graffiti as I come across a patisserie. I go inside and pick a chocolate piece. The man asks me if I would like to have it here and I say yes please. He serves it to me in a plate and invites me to grab a chair. I say it's ok and head outside.

I sit on the sidewalk by the doorstep having this butter-filled delight as I people watch and observe the architecture of the buildings across the street. And it feels good. To be out exploring the city from my take. After being here for so many, days. I enjoy it and I'm so totally in the now.

My day continues with this feeling of knowing what is good for me and going for it.

My evening starts off with a citrus & cinnamon drink to prevent the cold I think is coming and is followed by a trip to the theatre.

I haven't been to the theatre in a long time and I usually go alone so this was the perfect way to complete my loneness.

'Things I'm Not'.

This is a contemporary dance piece of two people going through the ups and downs of what it takes to meet. Somewhere. Somehow.

And everything it takes to stay close, without destroying each other.

To co-exist. With an other and with your demons. 

And which one wins, or wins you over each time.

It was lovely.

More so because I felt less lonely than ever.