Day EightyFour

Shatila Day

and after meeting with Sara

for a dear chat

I run 

to catch a bus

to meet

the girls teaching

and the girls receiving

the fitness class.

At Shatila.

I walk in the building

with the most non-reserved feeling;

the feeling I always get when arriving

at Bukra Ilna.

That feeling that 

is bigger than me

and makes me feel bigger than any fear.

It's the feeling of love.

Time after time

I've mentioned this

and time after time

it overcomes my

whole being.

To communicate without words

and to purely see what is

and not what is created.

I walk in and Kinana

with the other teachers, are preparing Easter muppets

and they pause to show me.

Kaloua is there too;

she looks at me with the proud, admiring love look

she's been looking at me recently.

I'm happy to see her 

and it's a very cosy scene to have walked into.

I proceed to the fitness room.

I walk in the middle of Alex and Hanna's warm up

'Look who's here!'

Alex exclaims with a shining bright smile.

My heart is full of it,

and it's all expanded to all directions.

Ilaf approaches me and we hug.

I look at Mallory from a distance and we laugh out love

consciously sharing this moment

as the only thing that ever mattered.

I jog to the back of the class

and join the class.

The energy is high

and all appreciation is with it

for the special moments we share amongst us;

the so called privileged white girls from the West

joining their eagerness and enthusiasm

to share fitness guidance and moral support 

to underprivileged girls from the East

in a setting which is not ideal for either

but one where magic happens.

We exercise,

do the handstands

on the walls

and sweat it out.

The amazing class finishes.

And then.

We announce to them that we're leaving soon.

As soon as next week.

And their dreams are crashed once more

just a little bit

less than last time.

Mallory will be around,

and though the weight is heavy to carry

the girls' passion to continue the classes

seem to lighten the tone.

Day EightyOne

Sunday Calmday

or so it pursuits.

Saturday night and

I return home; 

to the warm space I can have a shower

and my space

after spending two nights at a posh hotel with mum.

And I don't know what's heavier;

being at a posh hotel after living the hostel life for months,

or spending constant time with mum.

both.

I have my shower and walk comfortably in and out the dorm.

I feel the space inside and around me.

Kaloua is on the bed,

we greet each other and part

as I go to dry my hair.

I wear my cozy baggies

and walk down stairs

for my cup of tea;

peace.

I have my realisations

and a couple of sips

just before the girls walk in from their day trip.

We hug and catch up.

We go to bed 

and wake up for Sunday breakfast.

And it's the first one we've had together at this new hostel.

And it's lovely.

Day SeventyFour

A day at the Cornish with Han.

Hanna Bananna

is such a gangster.

We went out for a walk to the Cornish after a long sleepy relaxing morning.

People were staring at us

possibly because it was a Sunday and we were in track suits;

or because we were at the peak of local posh

in tracksuits.

And I don't know what's worse;

that I look Lebanese and I have the guts to walk around the port in Asics

or that Hanna looks foreign and lost the way to the hood?

Anyway

we chilled

and walked that walk

and talked that talk.

Made eye contact with the only one guy jogging,

watched some break dancing in the square

and returned to our new base.

Had an afternoon nap,

woke up,

had unhealthy cheesy pizza dinner

and went back

to bed.

Sundays really are for chilling.

Day SeventyOne

When life gives you puppy

love and caress and protect it.

This puppy entered the hostel in Basem's arms

wrapped in a towel like a new born gift

from the universe to our low,

panicked mood 

of the week.

Chadya and I 

had been going through the crazies

after I, slightly depressed 

and with intense withdrawal symptoms,

frustration and unhealthy increase of smoking

was unable and unwilling to get involved in any sort of social activity

and after Chadya,

understanding, mature and fun-loving

had lost faith in what had become an attempt to

fight all negatives and survive them with clear conscience.

I instantly focus on doggy-dog

who obviously needs attention more than us in this instance,

and try to prioritise 'neglected female dog'

over 'neglected female friends'.

It works out,

we needed the attention as much as each other.

We decide to go for a walk

and after days of low energy

and inactivity

we set doggy-dog free

for a fun.

She runs

and laughs

and Chadya runs in front of it

and I stroll behind them

as we crack out laughing

at the cuteness of the moment.

We decide to call her 

Nila

from (Nicole + Lila),

our sisters' names.

Day FiftyFive

Women's Day

but nothing changed in our positive female energy zone.

The girls are women every day;

Hanna

with her casual gangster walk who will drop something completely raw

without any sense of guilt or remorse

Chadya

with her light butterfly presence who will come sit next to you

or on top of you and express her determined thoughts

Mallory

with her shy yet confident look who will be patient for you to talk

and then respond to the point with her mature take 

Alex

with her enthusiastic and ready presence who will hear an idea 

and develop it into practice

Duce

with her opinionated stance on things who will put her cards 

on the table and advice you to take them

Sarah

with her deep analysis of behaviour who will try to understand it

for what it could be

Maryam 

with her reserved presence who will let her hair down 

once in a while and let her beauty shine

Elina 

with her casual look who will
 take an extra second to process and react.

And we all learn from each other.

We all celebrate 

every day

for the beauty of female interaction,

support

and development.

What a time to be a woman!

Day FiftyTwo

Hangover Day.

Though I didn't go out last night, I'm being a compassionate dorm-mate

and hanging around and hanging over with the rest of the 

sleepless

intoxicated

tired 

mates of the hostel.

One (vibe) for all

and

All (vibes) for one.

Midday discussions over beer

 include peanut butter (Mallory's favourite)

and vegemite

(Joel's favourite- yup we got an Australian in the house),

and both seem to be desired heavily

on the sunny terrace.

We decide to go out for lunch and we set a time.

The time comes

and goes over

and over a bit more

as we are gathered in what has become the 'gossip/girlie dorm'

to prepare hair, styles, ethos'

and an appetite.

We're all ready and the girl gang meets Australian guy for the long desired lunch.

We reach an Armenian restaurant in Burj-Hamoud 

and order things we don't know the look or taste of.

They arrive.

We dive in.

And the sensation of having a meal hasn't felt that good before.

#exaggeration

The guys keep having beers and I just grab a 7up.

I'm hanging big time;

til I remember I didn't go out last night.

Day FourtyEight

Crazy when you find people you click so well with

from the start

and in a very honest way. 

The last time this happened was with Jay

and now I'm feeling it again with Chadya.

She's lovely,

to everyone,

so was Jay,

but they have this amazing way of connecting with me specifically even when I haven't actually

given them the chance 

yet.

I wonder how they do it;

being effortlessly amazing.

Chadya for instance walks in and out speaking French

sometimes English

and most times Spanish.*

She addresses me as 'Hola Chica'

and I'm starting to think someone told her I'm Spanish.

'Do you think I'm Spanish?'

I ask her.

'No habibi!'

*(and sometimes Arabic)

She smiles and continues in Spanish.

She's the light of my day cz she sees through me 

and wants the best for me.

She's not afraid to say it clearly

and to push me for the better.

She's a powerful woman

and she inspires me.

And even though this sounds like it's all about me;

it's really, all about her,

and Alex,

and Duce,

and Hanna

who have been 

motivating

the shit out of me this week.

#girlgang

#respect 

Day FourtyThree

Strange how a place that feels like home can be an empty home at times.

We go to the coast area and find a calm spot on the rocks to sit, and write, 

and reload, and refresh.

Sarah brought her note book and I brought mine.

I have no intention of writing but carry it with me just in case the inspiration comes.

I lie down on the rocks

at a spot that seems carved like a sofa

and I let the sun rays

and salty particles in the air

sit on me.

I close my eyes and feel whole.

In my body, in my mind 

and in connection 

to others.

It was nice to feel comfortable in just being around someone again.

There is so much expectation and movement at the hostel some times that you forget the kind of form you take around few.

I think of going,

I think of staying

I think of options 

then I think of the only one choice

.to live.

I open my eyes just in time.

Sarah has completed her passage and I sit up,

take my nuts from my bag and listen to her story.

I come across a very green pistachio and I take a picture while she's still reading

while I'm still listening

while I'm still living.

Day ThirtyFive

Visiting a refugee camp on a regular isn't easy.

And though we overlook the weight of devastation these people carry,

we are undoubtedly affected by it.

Duce and our two new volunteers Alexandra and Hanna arrive at Shatila after an aggressive check-point stop where the soldier was feeling extra generous with his masculinity and position of power.

The girls are new to this and it's their first contact with the camp. We split in pairs and walk into the classrooms. The kids are all over the place; and, being pumped up by the presence of a new teacher, take no time to impress her by acting with natural instinct of unsettlement.

The class never settles and the hour passes with me trying to explain to Alexandra that 'it's usually not as crazy as this' and that 'last week was great' and 'when they get to know you... bla bla'.

She gets it and I can see from the sparkle in her eye that she hasn't lost faith.

We take a break, walking around and grabbing lunch while we face friendly and not so friendly interactions. This is a first for me as I'm usually alone in this space and keep myself very reserved and unapproachable.

It was nice to become more than that and interact with a couple of nice people.

But the vibe, of being a foreigner, a non-muslim and a woman among this unidentified male masculinity is still quite heavy.

We return to the centre for the aerobics class I host for teenage girls.

I brought my childhood story books from Cyprus for them so I'm very excited to see them; 

and pass some English magic to them.

I lead the way, more so with eagerness to see them than neglect of the girls. I get to the hall and instantly meet Ilaf's look which had been looking for me. We fall into each others arms and without losing a chance she says,

'I miss you.'

'I missed you too habibi.

All the time.'

I say. 

The lesson starts and though captured by the girls' enthusiasm and respect for me for always coming back for them, I become aware of my group sitting on the side, watching.

I can feel how humbled and impressed they are- 

more so it touvhes me to see what's happening from an outsider's perspective. Something so mystical found recognition from other sources.

And it's inspiring.

For all of us.

I try to balance being part of this;

leading it even

and at the same time being observant and humbled to it.

Then I talk about yoga and balance itself in the physical form and 

establish that it comes through understanding your body and balance itself.

Intimacy never leaves the room.

We stretch, sit around closely and chat.

Ilaf is sitting on her knees to the right side of my stretched out legs, and an other is touching my feet. The rest are sitting crossed-legged forming a circle with no pretentious spaces between any of us as we form and feel the unity of loving female energy.

Day Seventeen

Maryam's rap.

Me and Sarah go out for the day,

walking together, side by side.

We return to the hostel with our freshly tattooed cedars on our legs.

I got mine yesterday and Sarah got hers today. 

Maryam was meant to come with me yesterday but she got up

on watching series and avoiding civilization.

I keep no bitterness but encourage her to get the fuck out of her zone.

Sarah shows her tattoo and Maryam is super excited! 

She starts rapping,

'Oh my god

Oh my god

You got a tattoo

On your leg

Oh my god

Oh my god

I can't believe

You got a tattoo on your leg!'

We sit around the corner of the wooden dining table and have an intimate dinner.

As intimate as it can get with Maryam texting her boyfriend in San Francisco and Sarah asking about SIM card top-up 3G services. 

I make faces and look up thinking 'Allaho ahbar! [my god is great]' 

in a sarcastic way.

'Maryam!

Return to the table!'

She puts the phone down along with her nervousness.

Sawsan walks in the scene and expresses her regret for going out for dinner cz the 

food looks delicious.

She invites us to a rap concert with a great dj and we all look into it.

Maryam starts rapping,

'Oh my god

Oh my god

It's Psych Aleppo

Oh my god

Oh my god

I know Psych Aleppo!

WE ARE GOING YEANI'

We look at her like walla, you are coming?

Her excitement is real and

she's already there.

We get ready and hoodie our way to the concert.

The sisterhood manifests as the Arabic rap gets more intense.

We break our necks on words we don't understand

while Maryam raps along to them.

We see the real rapping side of her and all she's been suppressing. Her body is captivated by the beat and it becomes majestic to watch and join her.

Dark room, four rappers on the stage, the dj in the middle and geometric illustrations flashing behind them.

The whole crowd goes so loud

the clocks run out

we snap back to reality.

Maryam's out!

PsuchAleppo