Day ThirtySeven

Michael is an young Egyptian designer who works in Dubai.

He is here while waiting for his work visa to be renewed. I hadn't realised that so when he came up to me this morning to announce 
'I got my visa!' 

I was rather confused than happy for him.

I congratulated him anyway.

When I realised what had happened, I also realised that he sees me as his Five-Day-Family (described on Day ThirtyThree) and so I was able to respond more honestly saying 'I didn't realise what you told me but now I get it! I really wish you all the best!'

He said it was ok and smiled.

He has a very open and knowing aura.

I tell him that and he starts telling me things he 'hasn't told anyone else here'. That, there are good souls and bad souls. That the good souls are full of light and love and that bed souls have 'no love'.

I find this intriguing as I usually forget to give these things a name; 

apart from blue and red people.

He says,

'I'm leaving tonight. You should come to Dubai.'

I say,

'Oh really! You booked already! I will come to Dubai, I told you, I'm gonna visit this guy..'

'Yes :)'

He packs his stuff and hugs me goodbye.

I chill on my bed thinking how good this world is with people who are actually willing to have you in their space even though you haven't established the long-term bond that usually comes with it.

Mike is a very humbled soul. He would show us pictures of Egypt, of his clothe designs and of his girlfriend. Which I found especially insightful; and it was his way of letting us in on all aspects of his life- not just his country's beauty.

An hour later.

The dorm doors open and it's Mike.

He walks in.

'My flight was cancelled'.

Day ThirtySix

Jay's Day.

It's Jay's departure day and even though we spent the night with him at the pub quiz we're all ready to get up in the morning and say goodbye.

I hear his voice outside my door while he calls Ed out of the toilet.

I get up, open my dorm door and sneak out smiling at him. He gives me a hug and I say 

'I'll go back to bed until you have a shower.'

Instead I go upstairs and pick up my clothes from the laundry line on the top terrace.

His bag is packed and he's all ready to go.

I smile at him as I walk down with my dried clothes and stand in front of him to give him the goodbye hug.

I say he will be missed and that today won't be the same.

He already knows that.

He says bye to Luce and farewell to Sawsan on the stairs as he heads down.

I go to the kitchen pretending that my morning routine is going to go as planned. I look for cereal but someone's eaten the rest of it. I see Jay's bottle on the kitchen bar and I grab it running downstairs to catch him before he leaves.

It's one of those things you don't want people to leave without; 

not because it will remind you of him,

but because it's part of who he is when he travels.

He says 'Im here!'

while we meet on the first floor.

I hand him his water bottle and wait on the stairs while he's saying goodbye to Michael.

He walks out the door in a fast pace

we instantly hug again

and he says

'you changed my life'.

I blink and say,

'oh my god you did too'

as we part.

He heads downstairs..

I head upstairs..

with a slow, digestive pace.

I pause on the tenth step and look at the hostel entrance; not ready to reach it.

I take my time to realise what he just said

and the impact we've had on each other.

I pause a bit more

not being able to exit the zone of this lovely goodbye.

I walk upstairs,

and upstairs a bit more

to the top terrace

where I know I will be alone.

I have a look to the bottom terrace to see Sarah listening to some music on her headphones and Kate lying in the sun.

I start walking around in circles

to find my pace again;

knowing that it's up to me to keep it the way Jay set it for everyone.

And it's the first time I'm crying intensely knowing that this isn't separation

because even though he's departing

I keep a part

of him

in me.

Day ThirtyFive

Visiting a refugee camp on a regular isn't easy.

And though we overlook the weight of devastation these people carry,

we are undoubtedly affected by it.

Duce and our two new volunteers Alexandra and Hanna arrive at Shatila after an aggressive check-point stop where the soldier was feeling extra generous with his masculinity and position of power.

The girls are new to this and it's their first contact with the camp. We split in pairs and walk into the classrooms. The kids are all over the place; and, being pumped up by the presence of a new teacher, take no time to impress her by acting with natural instinct of unsettlement.

The class never settles and the hour passes with me trying to explain to Alexandra that 'it's usually not as crazy as this' and that 'last week was great' and 'when they get to know you... bla bla'.

She gets it and I can see from the sparkle in her eye that she hasn't lost faith.

We take a break, walking around and grabbing lunch while we face friendly and not so friendly interactions. This is a first for me as I'm usually alone in this space and keep myself very reserved and unapproachable.

It was nice to become more than that and interact with a couple of nice people.

But the vibe, of being a foreigner, a non-muslim and a woman among this unidentified male masculinity is still quite heavy.

We return to the centre for the aerobics class I host for teenage girls.

I brought my childhood story books from Cyprus for them so I'm very excited to see them; 

and pass some English magic to them.

I lead the way, more so with eagerness to see them than neglect of the girls. I get to the hall and instantly meet Ilaf's look which had been looking for me. We fall into each others arms and without losing a chance she says,

'I miss you.'

'I missed you too habibi.

All the time.'

I say. 

The lesson starts and though captured by the girls' enthusiasm and respect for me for always coming back for them, I become aware of my group sitting on the side, watching.

I can feel how humbled and impressed they are- 

more so it touvhes me to see what's happening from an outsider's perspective. Something so mystical found recognition from other sources.

And it's inspiring.

For all of us.

I try to balance being part of this;

leading it even

and at the same time being observant and humbled to it.

Then I talk about yoga and balance itself in the physical form and 

establish that it comes through understanding your body and balance itself.

Intimacy never leaves the room.

We stretch, sit around closely and chat.

Ilaf is sitting on her knees to the right side of my stretched out legs, and an other is touching my feet. The rest are sitting crossed-legged forming a circle with no pretentious spaces between any of us as we form and feel the unity of loving female energy.

Day ThirtyFour

Duce,

(Middle age French Canadian)

got a phone today.

Mohammed,

(19yr old cute Egyptian)

got his grades today.

Christina,

(young dynamic German)

is ill today.

Alex,

(PhD student with manners)

had his favourite manaeish today.

Zeed,

(Dutch Iranian cool dude)

had chicken today.

Johanna,

(young friendly German)

checked out today.

Ed,

(young English boy with Master's)

got a refund today.

Michael,

(Egyptian designer)

got Dubai working visa today.

I,

(cool Cypriot)

got the blues today.

Jay,

(Canadian legend)

got a flight today.

Day ThirtyThree

Five-Day-Family

Jay was right. The hostel/traveler lifestyle is formed of five-day-families.

People you share showers, rooms, breakfasts and shots with.

People you take advice from without defenses;

and people who 

are able to become more of a family to you than your family ever was.

They see the current version of you and the way you have developed.

They don't see; or are not concerned with 

the spots you had on your face when you were growing from the black sheep to the princess feminist you are today.

They don't see; or are not concerned with

the double chin you think you always have when lying awkwardly on the couches.

They don't see; or are not concerned with

the unloving and unloved aggressive teenager.

Because they see

the single chin loving princess

you are today.

Jay stayed ten days.

Five-Day-Family x 2

Day ThirtyTooMuch

The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is that people in the healthy never question themselves or the environment they're in.

Of course this can happen in unhealthy relationships too when the parties have normalised all there is and are unable to exit something that doesn't serve them...

Most likely because they are unable to identify it as unhealthy.

And here I am; questioning whether floating in a sea of uncertain interactions with people who are uncertain of themselves is the best choice I can make for myself.

Sarah tells me to face my issues of trust and relationship and to ignore people who interfere with it and the things that bother me. But that in itself is a paradox. It is encouraging a standpoint that takes all the active effort I have left in me. It's like asking a woman to stand among misogynists and not be hated. Like asking an overweight to stand among bullies and not hear their nasty comments.

And although this is feasible, because impossible is nothing, imagine how much strength and willingness that takes. I'm not saying I haven't got it; I'm just saying I don't need to be in a position where I constantly have to use it.

Besides, what would my therapist say?

She's my only real long-term point of healthy reference.

Just because others will thing I'm stronger than I am while she knows I'm not; and because it's her job to make things clear and sound to an unhealthy mind.

And though therapy ended months ago, the real therapy is to face struggles when they appear- and

to eventually not get close to them at all,

and not to be doubtful about personal decisions that may be in conflict with other, 

perhaps equally troubled personalities as yours before you took the healthy choice.

With all due respect.

Day ThirtyOne

Sarah is back and she talks about the rabbit that wakes up and paralyses her insights.

She gets it when confronted with deep truths about her fears and traumas surrounding the topic of romantic love.

And however many times she's experienced it, this is the time when she has become completely aware of it and the time she hopes to deal with it.

I look around and above, on the lovely Saturday morning, detached from empathetic patterns as a lightbulb explanation comes to my mind of the times I've found myself in the position of the paralysed rabbit.

Mine has been related to more than just romantic love. In fact, romantic love was an inexistent topic in whole. The rabbit didn't even dare to hop around in the field of love. - But I do remember the times I have been socially paralysed in groups or situations where my skill of, speaking English for instance, didn't live up to my expectation of it. And I would never try to correct it on the spot; because I was paralysed; so I would only just think #awkward in my head and move on with my day feeling like a loser.

Well, I'm glad I've advanced from that point but it still stunns me to see this happening to perfectly functional people. More so it makes me wonder if and when some people are having a rabbit paralysis moment.

You could be sitting around on the terrace and five out of ten people are paralysed but you wouldn't know cz other interesting, non-paralysed rabbits are hopping around with funny lines capturing your awareness and attention.

Kaboom guess who walked in the room.