Say SeventySeven

Pub Quiz.

The Hummusapiens are back.

Once more determined to win this Pub Quiz,

once more determined to know the randomest of facts

once more ready to be self-proclaimed Moral Winners of the night.

Alex and Hanna join us,

Ed is determined,

Zeed is confident,

Chadya is there for the hummus,

Jen is American,

the Dutch guy on the corner of the table knows the year FRIENDS firs aired,

I have a blocked nose and lack of oxygen to my brain I use that as an excuse,

the quiz continues,

we lost again,

anticlimax,

halas,

next week we- will- win- the- quiz.

Day Thirty

Nothing makes me feel more unnoticed than someone looking at me and not being able to see the person I am.

This will only make sense to people who see, so please

- - - -distance yourself from the screen if you are in denial- - - -

-

For the past few days there has been a lot of movement and positivity 

among guests and dynamics.

Yet there is that one person who will try and distract you when you're most drawn to a conversation - just to say something stupid like "do you want a beer from the fridge" when you're having tea.
That one person who will be loud while everyone's calm.
That one person who will slam doors and talk out loud to make his presence and activities noticed.
That one person who will ignore you for days and then ask for explanation to why you're being so cold and unreasonable.

That one person who can drag you out of your peace and drive you all the way to crazy.

And what are you supposed to do?

Go along to something that has no rhythm;
Close up completely and become that bitch;
Create allies and pretend it's all good;
Or exit the situation completely?

I tried an other way.

I tried to talk.

It didn't work.

It's almost like anything you say is bladabeeblah to the person's ear and whatever you've said comes back to you double. With blame.

I'm not about this life.

Cz I used to be it.

Gheez I must have been hectic to be around.



So please,

- - - -advise alternative while I chew my pride- - - -

Day Fifteen

Our cleaner Iman walks up the stairs in a worried, almost terrifying pace.

She asks if I'm going to Shatila tomorrow and I say,

'Lah! Tanein..!' [No! On Monday]

Thinking, why is she asking me again. She saw me leaving Shatila yesterday as she was coming in. I had gone to the refugee camp with another two girls who were interested in starting volunteering.

She looks at me and starts speaking Arabic with words she knows I don't know.

She looks up then looks down, she puts two fingers together and touches her chest. 

I'm starting to visualise images and I picture it.

There was a shooting in Shatila.

She's warning me not to go. Then she repeats the pantomime.

My eyes widen and I gasp-

'Oh no! Shooting?' I'm looking for an answer.

'Eh!'

My look becomes blank. I don't even want to picture it, though I'm picturing the whole community of Shatila alerted.

I think of Ilaf, a teenage girl who I haven't seen since I've been back. I think of the cute 5yr old habibi that I saw yesterday and all the kids and faces familiar to me.

I wanna see their faces again yeani.

Fuck sake. 

Day Six

First day at work!

Feeling excited, feeling ready, feeling confident, for my first day at work.

I go up to the reception floor and start looking for things to do; 20 minutes before my shift even starts (at 9). I try to switch on the computer and realise that the electricity is off. In a blink of an eye the breakfast has arrived, the guys have opened it, people are walking in and out, water is boiling on the stove, rain is pouring down the skies and an elephant is sitting on the couch.

I look at the clock and it's 10am, 5 people have checked out, 4 have gone for day trips, 3 have stayed, 2 arrived and it's been 1 hour since I started working.

'I QUIT! HALAS!

THAT'S IT!'

I jokingly exclaim on the terrace as I appreciate that the universe wanted me to experience it all in one single hour. 

---

6pm, I collect my thoughts and come to compose this blog post.

The lights go out.

'My nerves!!'

Lights out.