Day FiftyFour

Morning Monday shift

and Gregg walks in with his small backpack.

He was here last week 

until he left for Bekka Valley to go out and

help at the refugee settlements there.

He works with an organisation and is quite active 

but I don't know much about him.

'Hey welcome back!

No induction needed then, huh? :)'

'Nah'

'Your bed is upstairs in the mixed dorm :)'

He jumps the stairs and leaves his stuff.

I hadn't realised how tall he is.

I notice he has spots on his face

and I wish I had been as confident as he is

when I had spots on my face.

He's quiet 

but not in a passive way;

rather in a more 

observant way.

It makes it hard to start a conversation

because I feel that dropping something light

might be completely out of context 

to the vibe he's observing.

It makes it hard to start a conversation

because it's lowering 

the level of awareness.

And I'm sure he's that great.

Cz if he wasn't we would have been able to hold a conversation.

Day FourtySix

Sunday funday

and I didn't know I was getting a group haircut today.

We make plans for getting Sawsan a birthday cake and wait for her to exit the premises after singing her the classic #HappyBirthdaySong

on the sunny terrace.

Sawsan leaves and says she'll be back for dinner.

Alex and I set off for the birthday mission as we come up with cake decoration ideas

like marshmallows,

and smarties.

We find what we want and return to the hostel.

Chadya is on a different mission;

to cut and dye my hair.

I usually do it myself so I have start considering myself my own professional

but she has done it before so I take my chances.

Bastien, who is leaving tonight 

is also on our dorm balcony and I'm confused as to how this event has taken male extension.

'Can I cut your hair?'

He says.

'Erm... Yeah!

Have you cut hair before?'

'Ah yeh! (He's French)

One time

When I was drunk'

'Ok, sure!'

I say jokingly.

He grabs the scissors 

and Alex is looking at my reaction.

I start thinking they're in the joke together

and that in fact Bastien

is good

at cutting hair

and this is a bluff..

I sit on the balcony wall,

he grabs some hair

and chops it off.

He extends his hand

and shows me

my chopped 

hair

in

his

palm.

I have a mini stroke 

and burst out laughing histerically

'What is thisssss

Bastiennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!'

'Ah it's your hair!

I cut it!'

With so much confidence,

so much aura,

so much sarcasm

one would think it's a dream

or rather a nightmare.

I really didn't know how to react apart from continuing to

laugh

hysterically. 

Chadya comes and I beg her to fix this!

She starts speaking to Bastien in French and between French lines I hear

'Catastrophe!'

And I agree!

'Quelle catastrophe!'

She chops a few more ends off

and tidies it up

while my adrenaline returns to normal levels.

I touch my head and find that I still have enough hair.

The jokes continue 

with my exaggeration,

Bastien's humour

and Chadya's comfort.

We proceed to dye my hair on the terrace 

as we meet new people who have just arrived.

I walk around with the dye on my head while Alex calls for cake decorations.

Sawsan is back and wondering around the common area.

We take the cake downstairs and start decorating

what turns out to be one of the fanciest cakes I've ever seen.

We make an smooth entrance 

gathering around the table for dinner

as the rest of the group walk in

with the panoramic cake.

I watch Sawsan being the sweetness that she is

and how delighted she is to have 

such a cozy

warm 

birthday day.

She blows out the candles.

We hug her 

as she reads the post-it notes

with birthday wishes in various languages.

Dinner is ready

and I'm off to wash my hair.

Day FourtyFour

Losing faith in reason today

as one person is complaining and the other is moody to you.

Just to you specifically.

So you're moody back to see if it works for them.

And then a Latino looking tall hot person walks in.

Sex male

and you can sense that sensuality is what he goes by

through his loose top and latino hat that he doesn't take off until after 

the induction finishes.

Meanwhile our pregnant guest who was out for a couple of days returns 

and catches up with the girls on the terrace while I show Latino male his private room.

I sigh at the sight of it 

cz I wanted to be using this room

on a longed meeting with guy Y.

I don't know why guy Y 

isn't in my personal space yet 

but it gets a bit frustrating.

I have some left over tacos 

and continue to search for reasons I'm here.

Then I think of all the surreal things I hear

and see

like how Ama leaves without electricity when she's home

and how Hanna has a twin sister

or how Jay said

he would emulate me for the way I view people, the way I deeply understand my surroundings

or how Cyprus was one of the questions on the pub quiz the other night.

But still,

Y

Day FourtyTwo

Ama walks in at breakfast o'clock and with a bright energy asks where the toilet is.

She looks older than Duce and I start asking myself what it is about the place that attracts so much mature female energy and feminine wisdom.

The hostel is anyway based on female energy with Sarah, Maryam and myself around most of the time so the female energy becomes a lot more intensely present with women who are simultaneously,

travelling

    teaching 

        learning.

We sit on the terrace at sunset o'clock and share our stories and paths as it gets darker.

Our shares become deeper

and it appears that we have experienced very similar recent pasts. Her as a mother; and me as a daughter. We share our perspectives from our viewpoint at the time

and our more retrospective viewpoints from now.

I see a 53 year old woman I just met cry on the terrace;

About the hardship of having being a divorced, depressed mother.

A situation I so easily judged and was frustrated at in my own.

And I explained the viewpoint of the hurt and disappointed

daughter and child.

And we come to terms with that under the moonlight.

On a terrace.

At a hostel.

In Beirut.

Day Fourty

Sara from England

works with youth and adults with anti-social behaviour 

and she's here to do good.

Today,

she went to Bekka Valley to collect a fifteen year old boy 

and take him to an other village where he will be 

staying with extended family and where he will start school,

tomorrow.

She's on a fundraising mission where funds go to support refugees directly

-somewhat boycotting the idea of NGO support due to their

in-transparent fund distribution.

Nonetheless,

I'm in the kitchen cooking

and Duce comes up to me and starts describing her experience with Sara

and the mission.

She has a very,

very

grateful and humbled 

tone in her voice.

She starts by saying 'I am lucky'

'I am lucky, because even if I do not have parents

or a family

or mother

I did not have to carry my sister

who has no legs

and to see my own parents die in front of my eyes.

So I am lucky'...

I'm putting everything together in my mind as well as in the pan 

as I make the link of a very,

very

bitter upbringing 

becoming moulded into appreciation

in the sight of devastating 

and traumatic 

scenes

Syrian children are experiencing.

I turn the fire up

and look at Duce between

glancing at the clock on the wall

and thinking I don't have enough time

to add more red sauce in the pan.

Day TwentySix

The thing with receiving complements these days is not only that I can take them and feel great but also that I can understand how destroyed I was in the past. 

How defensively broken I was.

Alexander, who we are now comfortably on second name bases; i. e. Jay, complements me while I'm in and out of the kitchen preparing breakfast. He follows me with his eyes in a non-intrusive way. He finds the opportunity as I look up from the manaeish and shoots;

'You make really good breakfast!'

'Thank you!' We smile.

Turns out, he thought i MAKE the manaeish.

Nonetheless, seems like Jay will be guest of the week for yet another one!